4.30.2003


The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shinning
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah

I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place time has consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these wall are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself

But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let of the pain with all my might

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right


India_arie
"beautiful"

4.29.2003

so i woke up in a state of hurry this morning... didn't take me long to get ready (usually doesn't when i actually hurry) i stood and watched as my parents left for Texas, it feels like that trip came up fast. I wasn't really prepared for them leaving- i guess maybe because i'm not going so there was nothing to get excited about. i had a moment of panic where i thought i was supposted to be at school early for a thespian meeting- "no wait- it's tuesday good. damnit! tuesday is a late start day..." well- so i was up early. maybe now i'll find something productive to do...

4.25.2003

the funny thing,
about life's times of depression is how relative everything is...
ten million people would be depressed- or disapointed for a ten million different reasons.
it's all relative.
i wish life could be about love.
not love for success and money and being above others...
just love, those unutterable moments. those times of complete fufilment of all that moves us until we burst.
but the truth is people are afraid of love. afraid of those who live through their heart.
those who constantly feel for the souls around them
those who are very sensitive to the energy others send out
i am sensitive.
and i'd like to stay that way.
and yet, i don't think i'll get to...
because people don't use their hearts
they are heartless- thoughtless ... empty of all compassion.
sometimes i even live with the idea of death -
just because it would be a quick evil in relation to the timeless hurt we feed to eachother.
the passionless drivel
i don't think i'll ever understand.
or be understood.
let my heart be burried- underneath my skin.
slowly beating away. until someday...
when it will sine with those who appreciate being able to love on every level.
being able to be compassionate -
(doesn't anyone but me know the meaning of the word?! )

living should equal loving
a meer, insignificant vowel seperates the two symbolic terms-
and yet- entire worlds spepereate them for most.

4.20.2003

Broken hearts and dirty windows
Make life difficult to see
That's why last night and this morning
Always look the same to me

I hate reading old love letters
For they always bring me tears
Can't forgive the way they rob me
Of my sweetheart souvenirs

John Prine
i have been told that i write only of love or my inner battles, and considering i'm confused as to whatever 'love' is these days (sometimes i know, sometimes i don't) we might as well stick that it the same box with everything else, which leaves me to writing solely of my battles- well, then here's another fucking piece of writing to add to my collection.
it is unusual that anything is a black or white answer in my life. and i am always surprised by those who have it all neatly sorted out into labeled boxes of 'right and 'wrong' or 'definitely' and 'definitely not' ... okay so maybe they don't have them ALL sorted out, but with the way they are so completely bothered by my indecisiveness, i am left to feel as if i'm the only person in the word to have this disgusting ... trait if you will.
and it is what drives my silence. because of the tens of thousands of things happening in my mind- the battles. their thunderous war cries often leave bits and pieces of words on the trampled soil, leaving me to pick them up and spit them out- branding, on the ears within distance, mixed emotion and lost fragments stripped of what i wish them to mean. what i really battle with. what i may really know. speaking leaves no room for erasing, deleting what is said. for as soon as the words are out- and said -phrases like 'just kidding' or 'what i meant was...' become useless. worthless. because emotions can fire within any word. somehow providing false statements most take to heart.
and to ask questions to and indecisive person, like me, is like leaving out poisoned cheese for a starving mouse. already fragile and in search of something to better their situation, they come upon apparent salvation, something that looks, on the outside, simply harmless and inviting, something that becomes suddenly harm-full. for when more and more is ingested, the light at the end of the tunnel gets increasingly smaller. darker. scarier. hope is lost. and once again the painful familiarity of not knowing what's going on inside anymore takes over.
expectations haunt me, labels too. for they, like many things, mean a thousand different things to a thousand different people. and an attempt to ever assume one knows what these mean to another person is both foolish- and frightening -> to know you can't know.
perhaps it is thoughts like this that drive me to my silenced struggle. want to please. want to stand up for me. find my strength and wear it on my sleeve. yet sometimes i am weak. eternal rest, death, the thought rarely is far away. seems so much easier sometimes.
but i .... know better? am loved? am wimpy and afraid.
yes.
i am a person of battles. no, a person of head vs. heart. perhaps both. hell i even battle with my battles.
i know there is no one to comprehend me. especially because i don't either.
and yet- that seems to be all i'm looking for. any small amount of understanding.

4.17.2003

Pray for Peace

Pray to whomever you kneel down to:
Jesus nailed to his wooden or marble or plastic cross,
his suffering face bent to kiss you,
Buddha still under the Bo tree in scorching heat,
Adonai, Allah, raise your arms to Mary
that she may lay her palm on our brows,
to Shekinhah, Queen of Heaven and Earth,
to Inanna in her stripped descent.

Hawk or Wolf, or the Great Whale, Record Keeper
of time before, time now, time ahead, pray. Bow down
to terriers and shepherds and siamese cats.
Fields of artichokes and elegant strawberries.

Pray to the bus driver who takes you to work,
pray on the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus
and for everyone riding buses all over the world.
If you haven't been on a bus in a long time,
climb the few steps, drop some silver, and pray.

Waiting in line for the movies, for the ATM,
for your latté and croissant, offer your plea.
Make your eating and drinking a supplication.
Make your slicing of carrots a holy act,
each translucent layer of the onion, a deeper prayer.

Make the brushing of your hair
a prayer, every strand its own voice,
singing in the choir on your head.
As you wash your face, the water slipping
through your fingers, a prayer: Water,
softest thing on earth, gentleness
that wears away rock.

Making love, of course, is already a prayer.
Skin and open mouths worshipping that skin,
the fragile case we are poured into,
each caress a season of peace.

If you're hungry, pray. If you're tired.
Pray to Gandhi and Dorothy Day.
Shakespeare. Sappho. Sojourner Truth.
Pray to the angels and the ghost of your grandfather.

When you walk to your car, to the mailbox,
to the video store, let each step
be a prayer that we all keep our legs,
that we do not blow off anyone else's legs.
Or crush their skulls.
And if you are riding on a bicycle
or a skateboard, in a wheel chair, each revolution
of the wheels a prayer that as the earth revolves
we will do less harm, less harm, less harm.

And as you work, typing with a new manicure,
a tiny palm tree painted on one pearlescent nail
or delivering soda or drawing good blood
into rubber-capped vials, writing on a blackboard
with yellow chalk, twirling pizzas, pray for peace.

With each breath in, take in the faith of those
who have believed when belief seemed foolish,
who persevered. With each breath out, cherish.

Pull weeds for peace, turn over in your sleep for peace,
feed the birds for peace, each shiny seed
that spills onto the earth, another second of peace.
Wash your dishes, call your mother, drink wine.

Shovel leaves or snow or trash from your sidewalk.
Make a path. Fold a photo of a dead child
around your VISA card. Gnaw your crust
of prayer, scoop your prayer water from the gutter.
Mumble along like a crazy person, stumbling
your prayer through the streets.

ellen bass

4.16.2003

and i am excited to be with you as we adventure to new places. i place myself in your arms knowing and trusting your gentle nature and love for me... and because i love you.

4.15.2003

"our love will last 'till the stars turn cold"
-singing in the rain
as of late, i have found a new cumfort in myself, and what i wouldn't give now to just lay here streched out on my bed moaning with content. being happy to just simply be. being happy to feel love's embrace. i will not think about things i have to do or my draining complications with my so-called friends. and perhaps with the exception of my sterio, for music is the language of life's life, i will turn off all un natural things, and be turned on to life and love alone. i'll breathe in the fresh air laced with the scent of rain coming through my window, and the beauty my dreams surrounding me... but if i just cant simply be, then may i gather up my pathetic self once more- and head out to the hell hole of the outside world.

4.14.2003

This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet
Romeo & Juliet, II 121